By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Living at home, as an adult, can be challenging – particularly when it’s due to familial or cultural expectations, responsibilities, or need. Many people experience difficulties with juggling the devotion and feelings of responsibility they have to their family’s expectations with trying to maintain some semblance of an independent life.
It is reasonable to feel conflicted or burdened by the responsibility while others are focusing their energy on building their careers, having fun, fostering intimate partnerships, and possibly thinking about starting their own families. Living at home – particularly when it’s expected or required, rather than wanted – can thwart these efforts. So, what can you do? When it comes to your needs, honesty is the best policy Your guiding motto needs to be the age-old adage of honesty being the best policy. If you’re not upfront about your needs, frustration and resentment may build up. Before you have a conversation with your family about your frustration and independence it’s important that you first determine what your needs are.
The heart to heart Once you have come up with some solutions that work for you, have a heart to heart with your family. Here are some ways to do this:
Remember that ultimately you have a choice in what you choose to do – supporting your family and having some independence do not have to be mutually exclusive options. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a successful woman in my early 30s, with a great career, close family and friends. After two very serious long-term relationships, I’ve been single for the last 2 years. After a few dates with any new prospect, I inevitably find flaws and call it quits. Is it okay to be picky? How can I accept being single? Do you have tips for embracing singledom? The answer: Successful, single, in your 30s and female: you are part of an ever-growing demographic of society! First and foremost: being selective about the people you choose to spend your time with is never a bad thing. But it sounds like there is some reason you are perhaps overly focused on flaws – and that this is not helping you meet your relationship needs. It can be helpful to spend some time articulating what type of relationship you want, as this may help you determine how “picky” you may or may not want to be. Ask yourself “what is it that I want from a relationship, right now?”. Are you looking for male companionship/friendship? A casual fling? A committed/monogamous yet casual relationship? Or a longer-term, life partnership that may include marriage or children down the road? The answer to this question can help you decide what qualities you currently need in a partner, as arguably the qualities you may look for in a potential lifetime mate (e.g., “great parenting potential”) may be irrelevant if right now you are just looking for a casual relationship. Make a list of the types of flaws you have found in your recent dates. Are your expectations unrealistic (e.g., “someone who is always happy”)? Are you unfairly ruling dates because of qualities that you accept in yourself or your close friends? You may want to run the “flaw list” by a close friend of family member who you trust to give you an honest answer as to whether you are being too critical or judgmental. The second part of your question – about accepting single life – is a bit more complex. Certainly being in your 30s and single can be challenging, particularly if your friends are settling down or starting families. Often this can trigger a range of emotions if marriage or children is something that you picture in your life, as the reality is age poses a bigger challenge for women than men. It can also feel difficult if your interests and activities differ from those that you are close to. Actively work on building a network of other single friends, as this is one of the best ways to not feel so alone in your single status. Many cities now have singles’ social groups/activities, where the focus is on meeting other successful, single professionals for friendship. If you really are wanting a relationship right now, make sure that you are putting yourself out there (this can involve taking some risks). Sitting at home on a Friday night or only socializing with coupled-up friends won’t necessarily expose you to optimal situations to meet other singles. Finally, put energy into learning new activities or building new experiences that bring you happiness and fulfillment (e.g., travel, sports, learning a new language) as this can contribute to having an overall balanced, fulfilling life until you meet that special someone. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Valentine’s Day 2021 – Celebrate Alone or With a Partner
The last twelve months have been incredibly challenging and for some of us, that has meant spending a lot more time alone or possibly some extra strain between you and your partner. Maybe you’ve been separated for extended periods of time due to quarantine and lockdown restrictions or maybe you’ve been stepping on each other’s toes both working from home. This may make Valentine’s Day 2021 a little bit more challenging. Valentine’s Day is approaching quickly and there may be some mixed feelings about it this year. For some, it might feel extra hard for those who are single. Couples may feel like they need the excuse to celebrate their love but are burdened by restrictions. So, why don’t we reimagine Valentine’s Day this year and get creative with how we spend it, regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship! Single on Valentine’s Day 2021 If you’re feeling bad about being single this Valentine’s Day, take a step back and remind yourself how challenging it has been to meet people this year. Be gentle with yourself. It might feel extra hard to be alone this Valentine’s Day particularly if you live alone and have been spending lots of time alone already in the past 12 months. But know that you’re not alone in this feeling. So, what can one do instead of dwelling on the feelings of loneliness? No matter how cliche it may sound, do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself or do something that makes you feel special. It really does work. (And this year, Valentine’s Day is on #SelfCareSunday). Have an at-home spa day, take a nice bubble bath with your favourite drink, take the time to do your 12 step skincare routine, light some scented candles and read a good book. Whatever it is, take the day to do something just for you. Also, consider taking a minute to boost your self-esteem. That not only means to remind yourself that you’re not alone in your feelings but also actively remind yourself of the reasons you are loveable. Consider writing down a few things you love about yourself so you can return to them throughout the day when you’re feeling down. If you’re feeling stuck, ask a few of your close friends what they appreciate about you (but do make sure to come up with a few of your own ideas). If you’re feeling like being alone all day is going to be too challenging, spend time with someone you love (virtually or in another safe manner). Remember there are so many different types of love and romantic love is not inherently more valuable. Creative Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day 2021 Get creative this year with the way you spend Valentine’s Day and do something special with your loved ones. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive, just meaningful. You might be stuck at home but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and spend some quality time together. Consider doing something you haven’t been doing together all quarantine to make the day special. Here are some ideas; 1 - Get out of the city and experience nature
2 - Make your favorite meal together. Or order in from your favourite restaurant or from that fancy place you never order from.
3 - Crack open your favorite drink, make some fancy cocktails, or dig out that fancy drink you've been cellaring.
4 - Have a self-care day together
5 - Do something creative together Final Thoughts Remember that Valentine’s Day is just another day. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel your feelings if you need to. Instead, get creative and find a nice way to spend the day regardless of whether or not you’re in a partnership or single. By Vanessa Rouzier, RCC We know the way we eat not only influences the way we feel physically, but also mentally. More specifically, our diet affects the production and transmission of serotonin and dopamine in our brain. These are commonly known as “happiness neurotransmitters” which have a significant impact on our mood. Our eating habits also influence cortisol levels in our brain, which is the stress hormone.
There is so much information out there about diet that it can be challenging to know where to start when it comes to eating healthy. If you made eating habits one of your new year’s resolutions, here are some strategies to help you begin. How to Make Changes Related to Diet 1 - Define your goal Target one specific behaviour you would like to change at a time. A smaller and more realistic goal is often better as it will be easier to reach. This will leave you with a sense of achievement and more motivation to continue. Your goal should also be in line with your vision of the future. Try to find the reason why you want to make that change. Is it to have more energy? To be healthier? More attractive? More productive? When you feel like giving in to a craving, connecting with that deeper motivation will help you stay strong and make healthier choices. 2 - Limit your sugar intake Sugar overconsumption has not only been shown to be one of the main contributors to weight gain, but it also has an impact on brain functioning. Research has linked sugar overconsumption to cognitive impairment, anxiety and depression. Academics have also shown that sugar is “tricking your brain” as it is increasing the impulsivity to feed. This means the more sugar you eat, the more you want to eat overall! 3 - Find strategies to manage your stress Emotional eating is very common. After eating high-fat or high-sugar food, the brain releases hormones that reduce the feelings of stress, which makes you want to have more. The “reward pathway” involved in your brain is similar to the one involved in addiction to drugs or alcohol. Find alternative ways to manage your stress. This will allow you to obtain a similar calming result, without the extra calories! Breathing exercises, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, engaging with your favorite hobbies, and physical exercise are some good and healthy ways to cope with stress on a daily basis. 4 - Improve your sleep quality Research has shown sleep deprivation decreases the activity in the region of your brain responsible for assessing hunger, as well as in the region that controls cravings. Therefore, sleep loss boosts your appetite and drives you toward high-calorie food. As a result, a regular sleep schedule can help you regulate your sleep and therefore help you with your diet. Some other sleep strategies include avoiding screen time before bed and having a consistent bedtime routine. 5 - Seek professional help if you are feeling depressed or if you have experienced trauma Research shows that the relationship between mental health and diet is bidirectional. This means the way you eat affects how you’re feeling as much as your mental state affects your eating habits. For example, depression can increase or decrease your appetite, lower your motivation to cook or move and be associated with more cravings. As for trauma, it can lead to a state of “hypervigilance” or to a sense of “numbness”, both affecting hunger signals, which in turn can lead to poor eating habits. If you’re experiencing mental health challenges, it can be helpful to have the guidance of a mental health worker to approach the changes you want to make from a more global perspective. Reach out to the Psychological Health and Safety Clinic today to speak with a clinic counsellor. Final Thoughts on Diet and Mental Health A lot of us are struggling as a result of the stresses we’ve experienced over our lives. So, it’s important to remember to be gentle with ourselves and our bodies as we move into the new year. Yes, our diet is connected to our mental health and wellness, so we can set good intentions about eating healthy and moving our bodies in a way that feels good without focusing on weight loss. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my early 30s and I do want kids – eventually, just not now. I just don’t feel ready, yet as a woman I know the clock’s ticking. How do I prepare myself for what I imagine will be a sea of change in my life? The answer: The short answer? There is no way to fully prepare (ever) for the changes children bring! Now, for the longer answer … Our societal demographics are changing substantively, particularly for women. More women are pursuing higher levels of education. They are putting off co-habitating with partners or getting married (or remaining single by choice). An increasing number are becoming the primary household breadwinners. They are waiting longer to have children, and many are choosing to not have kids at all. As a woman in your early 30s, it is good to hear you recognize that on one hand you realize you aren’t quite ready for kids, yet on the other hand understand that there are some biological considerations you need to be mindful of. Unfortunately, the plethora of images we see in the media, particularly of celebrities who are having children well into their 40s, leads many to have a false perception of the ease with which a woman can get pregnant as she ages. The reality is that fertility starts to decrease as a woman moves into her mid to late 30s. The risk of pregnancy complications and health issues (both for mom and baby) also rise. While it’s true that many women can easily get pregnant and carry the baby healthy to term even well into their 40s, a significant number do struggle and encounter fertility or pregnancy-related difficulties as they age. The question of how to prepare oneself for the significant life changes that come along with having a child (or children) is one I am often asked. The reality is this is almost impossible to do. If you were to ask any parent this question, he or she would tell you the same thing. However, there are a number of life situations you can think about in order to prepare. Are you in a stable, respectful, loving relationship? Having a child to either “save” a failing relationship or in spite of significant relationship issues because of the perceived pressures of the proverbial clock ticking is almost always a bad idea. Are you in a secure position financially? Can you manage the increasing financial demands a child or children will place on you? Designing a baby budget is a great idea to gauge your position in this regard. Do you feel like there are dreams you have that are immensely important to you that you want to achieve before having a child (e.g., backpacking across Europe for a few months)? If so, plan this into your life. Are you willing to accept that for a fair number of years your primary focus in life will shift significantly and you will have no choice but to sacrifice most things in your life for children? When you think about not being ready, what does that mean to you? Put pen to paper and try to articulate in clear, specific words what your fears are. This may help identify how to best move forward. There is no rule book that can help you prepare for the myriad changes children bring to your lifestyle, and at some point you need to weigh the pros and cons and take a leap of faith. Working toward creating a stable life circumstance with respect to relationship, finances and emotional health is the best thing you can do to prepare. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Laura Booiman, CBT Therapist The Science of Self-Care
There is a lot of talk about self-care these days. When thinking of self-care, one might imagine bubble baths, facials and cozying up with your favourite book in front of a fire. However, the stereotypes that are often associated with self-care give this fundamentally important habit a bad rap. While self-care may sound like a luxury, recent scientific studies suggest that it is actually non-negotiable, if we are looking to live long and healthy lives. Below we are going to outline some common myths around the practice of self-care, discuss what the most recent research tells us, and give you some easy, take-home examples that you can incorporate into your daily life. Myths about Self-Care:
What the Research Tells Us:
Practical Ways you can Practice Self-Care:
Final Thoughts about The Science of Self-care Remember, self-care doesn’t have to be perfect. As a clinician, I often tell my clients that it is not about the act itself, but setting the intention. If you slip up, be kind to yourself, and set the intention for self-care at a certain time of day that feels more manageable to you. If this blog resonated with you and you would like to speak with Laura or one of our associates for further support, please Contact Us. Laura Booiman, MSc. (she/her/hers) is a CBT Therapist at Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych. & Associates. Her clinical training focuses on providing evidence-based cognitive-behavioural treatments to a variety of client’s psychological health needs, including: generalized anxiety disorders; depression; navigating life transitions; and managing stress (generalized and school). Check out her full bio here. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve already failed at my New Year’s resolution (to lose weight – I’ve caved to my dessert addiction and gained a pound since January 1). I can’t stop kicking myself and feel like I will never be able to stop gaining. What can I do psychologically to help my willpower? The answer: The start of a new year seems to be a perfect time to make changes in one’s life. About half the population makes New Year’s resolutions, with the most common resolutions relate to weight loss, exercising more, quitting smoking, and improving one’s financial situation. However, research indicates that by July, the overwhelming majority of individuals fail in sticking to their resolution or even remember what they promised to resolve. First of all, keep in mind that you are not alone in both making a resolution and feeling you have failed. Second – and much more importantly – you are taking a very extreme view in your belief that gaining two pounds represents failure of your goal! You simply don’t yet have enough information to evaluate how you have done. So, you need to begin by putting the small amount of “weight gain” you have had in perspective, which likely amounts to nothing more than water retention. Then, take the following steps to increase the likelihood of sticking to this, or any other resolution: Pick an attainable goal The goal should be something that, based upon the life you are living, is something that you can achieve. Ensure that your goal is measureable. To change your goal, you will have to know where you are headed, and how to determine if you are getting/have gotten there. Ensure the goal is realistic and time-limited. You may want to lose 30 pounds, but a realistic goal may be to lose 15 pounds this year and 15 pounds the following year. Set a specific period of time in which you will accomplish your goal. As you accomplish your time-limited steps, you can reward yourself for successes. Remember that small change is better than no change. Get supports as you start to make the change. Identify Barriers Anticipate setbacks. If you have tried to make this change in the past, what got in the way of the change being successful before? Problem-solve the barriers that you have encountered in the past. Identify the pros of not changing the behaviour (this can often help you appreciate why the change has not yet happened). Identify the cons of changing (the reasons the change may be difficult to do). Establish a specific contingency plan for each of the barriers you identify. Implement Change Obtain a baseline of your behaviour. Track your usual activity for a week. This can often help you to identify patterns in your day and help identify times when it would be easier to implement the change. Be aware of the powerful impact that conditioning plays in activity and behaviour. Actively work to change habits that you may have gotten into that are not conducive to achieving your goal. Approach behavioural change gradually. Make small, specific changes. Make a schedule with yourself to build the activity into your day-to-day life. Revisit & Revise Do not get discouraged by setbacks. If you are not on track with the changes you identified, work to identify the barriers. Were your expectations too high? Was the specific goal you set too ambitious? Revise your goal as necessary. Expect & visualize success. Reward yourself Set milestones that can help you track your progress. Ensure that you schedule in regular rewards for each milestone that you achieve. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Every week I start fresh and aim to eat well, exercise, get rest, all the good stuff. By Thursdays, my plan is right off the rails. How do I commit to bettering myself and staying on track? The answer: There are only a handful of things in life that are certain: death and taxes. Oh, wait – and failed diet and exercise plans. You don’t need a PhD in health sciences to know that diet, exercise and sleep are three of the most crucial things that can dramatically impact and – when properly addressed – improve both physical and emotional/psychological health. But, the diet, fitness, and pharmaceutical industries are lucrative, multibillion-dollar industries for a reason: Most people struggle with sustaining long-term change in these areas. So, welcome to the club! (I myself tend to find I start slipping come about Wednesday…). Nice job on identifying the fact that you want to change. This may sound obvious, but it’s not. The adage of “fail to plan, plan to fail” applies: If you haven’t even planned or visualized what you want to do differently, it won’t happen. So kudos for beginning this journey. There are some important steps that you can take to enhance the likelihood your change is sustainable. If you stick to these, you dramatically increase the chance you can stick to your goals. 1. Pick a specific behaviour to change. Start with no more than one to two behaviours to change at a time. Precisely define what you want to change. Ensure that your goal is measurable. If you need to revise your goals later on, you will have to know where you are headed, and how to determine if you are getting or have gotten there. Ensure that your goal is realistic. You may want to lose 30 pounds, but a realistic goal may be to lose 15 pounds this year and 15 pounds the following year. Ensure that your goal is time-limited. Set a specific period of time in which you will accomplish it. 2. Identify your readiness to change. Before you begin, ask yourself questions such as: “How ready am I really?” “Is this the right time for me to make a change?” “What are the pros and cons of changing?” Consider the benefits of the change. How can you begin to change in a realistic fashion? What would life be like if you didn’t do it? Is it worth it – how or why? Consider how the change fits with other important life values you hold. Prepare to change. Gather the information and tools that you need. Anticipate setbacks. Remember that small change is better than no change. Get supports as you begin the changing process. Consider how you’ll build on your changing behaviour over time. What other behaviours can you add in? Once the changes have been made, consider how you’ll transition to a long-term maintenance plan. 3. Identify barriers. Anticipate setbacks. If you had tried to make a change in the past, what got in the way of success? Be brutally honest with yourself about why you failed. Then solve the barriers that you encountered in the past. Identify the pros of not changing your behaviour – this can often help you appreciate why the change hasn’t happened yet. Identify the cons of changing – the reasons the change may be difficult to do. Establish a specific contingency plan for each of the barriers you identify. 4. Implement change. Approach behavioural change gradually. Make small, specific changes. Make a schedule with yourself to build change activities into day-to-day life. Follow the “double-time” rule: Schedule double the time you think it would take to achieve the change. 5. Revisit and revise. Do not get discouraged by setbacks. If you are not on track with the changes you identified, work to identify the barriers again. Were your expectations too high? Was the specific goal you set too ambitious? Revise your goal as necessary. Expect and visualize success. 6. Reward yourself. Set milestones that help you track your progress and ensure that you schedule in regular rewards for each one that you achieve. (I sheepishly admit that shoes and purses motivate me quite well!) Good luck! By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Do you lay in bed tossing and turning? Do you check the clock and calculate the number of hours of sleep you’d get if you fell asleep right now? Or think about your list of to-do’s for tomorrow? If so, you’re not alone. So let’s talk about how to manage the negative effects of anxiety on sleep. Anxiety, and associated worry thoughts, have a significant impact on our ability to sleep. And with the high demand world we live in, it’s no wonder that so many people struggle with sleep problems. The tough thing about anxiety and sleep is that it can be difficult to know which comes first. Do we not sleep because we are anxious? Or are we anxious because we can’t sleep? It’s likely both. Stress and anxiety can cause or worsen sleep difficulties and lack of sleep can make us anxious. So, how can we manage our worry thoughts to help us get better sleep? https://youtu.be/8KEbCRXZUqE How to Get Better SleepWorry and anxiety are a normal part of life, but also among the strongest factors that impact sleep. If you are finding worries are preventing you from sleeping, here are some tips to help you sleep better:
Final ThoughtsStill not able to effectively manage the negative effects of worry on your sleep? Cognitive-behavioural treatment (CBT) is the most effective treatment for sleep problems, as well as associated mood and worry or anxiety issues. If worry thoughts persist and continue to have a significant impact on sleep, consider seeing a registered mental health provider. It may also be helpful to talk to your family physician to ensure there are no other underlying issues that may be impacting your sleep.
https://youtu.be/CIOhCas5KUc The question:
I’m medically obese – but totally happy with my body (I swear). Family and friends tell me there has to be something psychologically wrong with me, if I can be truly happy with my body being this large. What’s your perspective? The answer: First, there is nothing “psychologically wrong” with you for truly accepting your body as it is. You sound like a confident person whose self-esteem is not impacted by your physical appearance. The reality is there are a range of physical attributes (e.g., weight, height, facial features, acne, scarring), health conditions (e.g., cancer, HIV) and physical disabilities (e.g., paraplegia, amputations) which could impact self-esteem and confidence. Unfortunately, the stigma in our society surrounding weight issues is undeniable: I think most people view weight as something that is very much within one’s control. The reality is that there is a significant margin of control we can have over our weight through healthy diet and exercise, but some people have a stronger genetic component to their weight, and these individuals can have tremendous difficulty losing weight. You say you are “medically obese”: a body mass index (or BMI) is the measurement that is used to define individuals’ weight classification, and involves a ratio between height and weight. Individuals are classified as being “obese” when the BMI exceed 30 kg/m2. By definition, obesity is a medical condition where body fat has accumulated to the point that there may be an adverse impact on health. I wonder if the concern coming from your family and friends is related to your physical health, not your psychological well-being. There is ample evidence that obesity increases the likelihood of developing a range of serious health conditions, including: heart disease, diabetes, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, and certain types of cancer. Overall life expectancy is also reduced. When your family or friends express their concerns to you, you may want to ask them what specifically they are concerned about, as I suspect it has much more to do with these health risks. I also wonder if it may be scary for you to acknowledge the possible negative health effects your weight is having. Stating your happiness and acceptance of your body/weight to others may possibly be a way for you to avoid facing some of the other negative impacts that exist, as those may be daunting to both face and start to take some action toward. I would suggest a conversation with either a loved one that you trust, or ideally a health professional: a physician, nutritionist, or dietitian can provide you with useful information on making some changes to your lifestyle – if that is something you feel you want to do. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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