By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Why Practice Mindfulness – “I’m not good at it but I practice it anyway” Have you heard about mindfulness but are skeptical? Maybe you imagine mindfulness as meditation. You know the image we conjure, a person sitting cross-legged on the floor saying ‘ohm’, completely still and not thinking about anything. That’s not what mindfulness is! So, let’s talk about mindfulness, why I feel like I’m not very good at it but why I practice it anyway. What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment in order to prevent us from ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. It’s not an attempt to completely remove our thoughts but be aware of the things happening in the current moment. Think- being with ourselves and actually feeling our feelings. Why mindfulness is hard? One of the reasons I think mindfulness is hard is because we generally have an unrealistic expectation of what mindfulness is. Also, most people (myself included) don’t want to be bad at things and mindfulness is a skill you need to practice. I was first encouraged to engage in mindfulness practice when I started dialectic behavioural therapy (DBT). I’d heard of it before (at the time I was a psychology student in university) but I was skeptical about it being effective. The first exercise I was encouraged to do was a breathing exercise (which is very common with mindfulness practices, and I will talk a little bit more about later). The first handful of times I tried it, in many different variations, it was unsuccessful. Why? Because I was so fixated on being good at it that I missed the entire point of the practice. Rather than simply paying attention to my breath I was worried I was failing at it because I couldn’t breathe in or out for the total count they suggested. So, instead of being present I was focused on thoughts like ‘why am I so bad at this?’ and it actually made me feel more anxious. The first time I tried mindfulness was 2015, I believe, which is five years ago. I still practice mindfulness now and to be honest I don’t feel like I’m that much better at it. Why Practice Mindfulness Anxiety. I am an anxious person. I continually worry about things that’ve happened in the past, ruminating about small embarrassing moments and taking things people say out of context that convinces me they obviously hate me (they don’t!). On top of that, I spend an equal amount of time worrying about the things that could happen in the future. For me, something like simply test anxiety can turn into spirally thoughts. For example, that I’ll never graduate, or get a decent job, so I might as well quit now as my life is practically already over. Even though past evidence suggests this is untrue and will continue to be untrue. At the beginning of my time in therapy, I didn’t realize how much this prevented me from truly engaging with the present. Mindfulness works for anxiety. Despite all the research that says mindfulness works, I swore it didn’t for a very long time. Unfortunately, it just took a lot of practice and finding a way to engage with mindfulness in a way that made sense for me. (Not every way of practicing mindfulness is going to work for everyone). When we’re anxious, regardless of what we are anxious about, we get into our fight-flight-or-freeze response (our stress response). Mindfulness helps to break us out of that. One of the things we likely notice first when we start to feel anxious is our increased heart rate, engaging in a mindful practice helps to control our breathing which reduces our heart rate. What Mindfulness Practices Work for Me THE BASIC My go-to mindfulness practice is very basic. I use it when I notice myself getting fixated on particular thoughts or my thoughts are in an escalating feedback loop. I make sure to put away all distractions like my phone and my laptop. Sit in a comfortable position and close my eyes (I get too distracted by things in my environment but closing your eyes is not essential). Then pay attention to my breathing. I do not try to change my breathing, I just pay attention to it. While doing, it’s important to notice when thoughts enter your mind but let them go without judgement. For me, it’s helpful to say (or think) something like ‘this is just a thought I’m having’. When my fight or flight is engaged, and I am feeling less in control of my anxiety, I generally require a more focused mindfulness practice such as focused breathing or body scan. This gives my brain a little bit more to focus on which can sometimes help. FOCUSED BREATHING A focused breathing exercise requires a person to pay more attention to their breath as well as controlling it. One of the ways to do this is four stage breathing. The goal is to make each full breath last at least 10 seconds – 5 seconds on the inhale, and 5 seconds on the exhale. You do so by breaking each inhale and exhale into two parts: On the first inhale, fill up most of your lungs; on the second inhale, think about ‘topping up’ your lungs with air. On the first exhale, push out most of the air, and on the second exhale, think about fully emptying your lungs. This works better for me than some breathing techniques because there is less focus on counting which always throws me off and makes me feel like I’m failing. BODY SCAN I start in the same position as my basic mindfulness practice but ideally sitting on a comfortable chair with my feet on the floor. Then, while taking slow controlling breaths, I start at my feet and pay attention to all the sensations in each part of my body and then consciously think. For example, I think about how my feet feel inside my socks, how they feel pressed up against the floor and I may even wiggle them. Then move up my legs to my calves then my thighs, etc. Final Thoughts These are by no means the only ways to practice mindfulness, but they’re a decent place to start. Just remember that mindfulness works, but it takes practice. Don’t get discouraged; find something that works for you and try practicing it every day, not just when you’re feeling anxious. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my first real same sex relationship. After hiding my sexuality for years, I am finally ready to admit I am a lesbian. The woman I’m with doesn’t want to define me as her ‘girlfriend’ as she’s not admitting that she’s a lesbian. But we hang out every day, and I’m in love with her. My friends are worried about the lack of labels and defined commitment – I’m not, but should I be? The answer: The road to acknowledging and openly coming out about your sexuality can be a challenging and emotional one – so congratulations on taking what were likely some very difficult steps. It can be a wonderful and liberating feeling to no longer have to hide a core part of who you are from others. It may feel both exciting and scary to start to now embark on dating and relationships. Many individuals will say that starting to date after they first come out feels like adolescence all over again – which can be fun but also nerve-wracking at the same time! It is natural to be experiencing a range of emotions, including some nervousness, anxiety or insecurity. You may be having a number of questions about what you want out of a relationship and a partner. Defining and putting labels on the relationship is only important as it isto you – this is true for anyone, whether in a same or opposite sex relationship. You need to first ask yourself what it is that you want in a relationship at this stage of your life. As you well know from personal experience, the journey one takes to get to the point of coming out is a very personal one and can be made complicated by a number of factors. It sounds like you are at a stage where you are ready to openly and fully be in a relationship. You need to ask yourself whether you will truly be happy with someone who is at a different stage of acceptance about their sexuality. Selfishly, will you get what you need and want from this woman? You say this is your first “real” same-sex relationship. What is that you mean by “real”? You say that you hang out every day and that you are in love with her. Is there physical intimacy in your relationship? How does she feel about you? How does she define your relationship and how would she describe you and your relationship to others? You also say friends of yours are worried. Assuming that these are friends that love and care for you, and that have your best interests at heart, I wonder about where their concerns are coming from. I would ask them. Perhaps they have a perspective on your wants and desires that is hard for you to see right now. Although I don’t by any means want to convey that you should just blindly listen to your friends, often those we care about can see things that we are unwilling or unable to see when decisions get clouded by what our love for another. Ensure that you are getting what you need and what would make you truly happy in a relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband is overprotective of our teen daughter. I worry about her as well but he is downright irrational. How can I get him to relax and give her independence? The answer: The reality is that there are some worries about a teenage daughter that are different than the concerns that come along with parenting a teenage boy – concerns about safety and risk. Fathers often tend to be more protective of girls, and will often cite “knowing what teen boys are like” as an explanation. First, ask yourself whether the issues you are having with your husband truly have to do with his overprotective stance toward your daughter, or whether other difficulties the two of you are having are influencing your feelings. I mention this as it is not uncommon for couples to have other underlying marital issues that manifest as parenting-related differences. If there are other relationship issues, you may want to focus on what those are and try to identify ways to talk about and address the non-parenting related challenges. If the issues are primarily stemming from differences in parenting approach, address this issue directly. Start by having a calm conversation with your husband. Time the conversation for when you are getting along with each other, and not in the midst of a disagreement. Have the conversation privately, without your daughter present. Parents should always present a united front when speaking to their children about rules, responsibilities and expectations. Ask your husband what his concerns are. Be open to at least understanding (not necessarily agreeing with) where he is coming from. When parents are being overly strict or setting rigid rules, this is often coming from a place of fear and concern about their child’s well-being and welfare. Try to take a problem-solving approach. Understand what steps can be taken to alleviate the concerns he has. For example, his concerns about her safety when out at night may translate into a black and white approach where he says she simply can’t go out at night. Instead, you may try to come up with some less rigid options that satisfy both of you. Gradually provide your daughter more and more responsibility in a way that your husband’s concerns about her are put at ease. You may decide to establish a curfew that is much earlier than what you think is reasonable or age-appropriate, but then discuss how to gradually modify this over time as your daughter builds up her trust and your husband builds up his comfort. You may ask her to provide a text update every hour on the hour when she is out, and then gradually reduce the frequency or expectation of contact over time. Decisions about what age-appropriate activities are for your daughter (e.g., when dating is appropriate, what curfew is appropriate) are very personal and family-specific decisions and there are no easy answers to these issues. You will both need to compromise and may need to agree to disagree on some points about what rules are appropriate for your daughter. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Living at home, as an adult, can be challenging – particularly when it’s due to familial or cultural expectations, responsibilities, or need. Many people experience difficulties with juggling the devotion and feelings of responsibility they have to their family’s expectations with trying to maintain some semblance of an independent life.
It is reasonable to feel conflicted or burdened by the responsibility while others are focusing their energy on building their careers, having fun, fostering intimate partnerships, and possibly thinking about starting their own families. Living at home – particularly when it’s expected or required, rather than wanted – can thwart these efforts. So, what can you do? When it comes to your needs, honesty is the best policy Your guiding motto needs to be the age-old adage of honesty being the best policy. If you’re not upfront about your needs, frustration and resentment may build up. Before you have a conversation with your family about your frustration and independence it’s important that you first determine what your needs are.
The heart to heart Once you have come up with some solutions that work for you, have a heart to heart with your family. Here are some ways to do this:
Remember that ultimately you have a choice in what you choose to do – supporting your family and having some independence do not have to be mutually exclusive options. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
How do I get the nay-saying voice in my head to quiet down? It’s with me all the time, telling me I’m not good enough and I’m going to fail. What are some specific strategies to think more positively? The answer: The power of our thoughts is stunning: thoughts can be both our strongest asset, as well as our worst liability. The way we think about ourselves and the future is integral to our overall sense of happiness and well-being. When we think hopeful, optimistic thoughts we tend to feel more confident, more secure, and generally more at peace. Conversely, when we think pessimistically we can find ourselves getting into a downward spiral of negativity, anxiety/worry, and low, discouraged mood. If you go to any local bookstore, you will see a burgeoning number of self-help books that focus on the “power of positive thinking”. When we are already feeling happy and enthusiastic, positive thoughts are easy, even if they may be slightly overinflated or grandiose. Unfortunately, if you are already feeling down on yourself, simply thinking positive thoughts alone is not helpful (and ironically can make you feel more frustrated with yourself). Although it may sound like semantics, a subtle (but very important) shift in your language can make a huge difference: try to make your thoughts fair and accurate. Interestingly, though shifting negative thoughts to become more realistic has the effect of making thoughts overall more positive. For example, the statement “I’m going to fail” is one that is negative and assumes the worst case situation. Unless you have a crystal ball that can foreshadow future events, this is not necessarily accurate and has the negative impact of lowering your confidence. It also can contribute to what’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy: basically increasing the likelihood that what you expect will occur because you end up inadvertently acting in a way that is consistent with your thought. A more accurate and realistic thought would be “I could fail, but I won’t know until I try and there is a chance I could succeed”. Most of our thoughts are unconscious (i.e., below our level of awareness). However, with practice and time, you can train yourself to become more aware of your thoughts. Try the following steps: 1. Start to become aware of your negative/self-defeating thoughts. It’s impossible to change your thoughts unless you are fully paying attention and catching your negative thoughts every time they come up. 2. When you have a negative thought, ask yourself a few questions:
Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a successful woman in my early 30s, with a great career, close family and friends. After two very serious long-term relationships, I’ve been single for the last 2 years. After a few dates with any new prospect, I inevitably find flaws and call it quits. Is it okay to be picky? How can I accept being single? Do you have tips for embracing singledom? The answer: Successful, single, in your 30s and female: you are part of an ever-growing demographic of society! First and foremost: being selective about the people you choose to spend your time with is never a bad thing. But it sounds like there is some reason you are perhaps overly focused on flaws – and that this is not helping you meet your relationship needs. It can be helpful to spend some time articulating what type of relationship you want, as this may help you determine how “picky” you may or may not want to be. Ask yourself “what is it that I want from a relationship, right now?”. Are you looking for male companionship/friendship? A casual fling? A committed/monogamous yet casual relationship? Or a longer-term, life partnership that may include marriage or children down the road? The answer to this question can help you decide what qualities you currently need in a partner, as arguably the qualities you may look for in a potential lifetime mate (e.g., “great parenting potential”) may be irrelevant if right now you are just looking for a casual relationship. Make a list of the types of flaws you have found in your recent dates. Are your expectations unrealistic (e.g., “someone who is always happy”)? Are you unfairly ruling dates because of qualities that you accept in yourself or your close friends? You may want to run the “flaw list” by a close friend of family member who you trust to give you an honest answer as to whether you are being too critical or judgmental. The second part of your question – about accepting single life – is a bit more complex. Certainly being in your 30s and single can be challenging, particularly if your friends are settling down or starting families. Often this can trigger a range of emotions if marriage or children is something that you picture in your life, as the reality is age poses a bigger challenge for women than men. It can also feel difficult if your interests and activities differ from those that you are close to. Actively work on building a network of other single friends, as this is one of the best ways to not feel so alone in your single status. Many cities now have singles’ social groups/activities, where the focus is on meeting other successful, single professionals for friendship. If you really are wanting a relationship right now, make sure that you are putting yourself out there (this can involve taking some risks). Sitting at home on a Friday night or only socializing with coupled-up friends won’t necessarily expose you to optimal situations to meet other singles. Finally, put energy into learning new activities or building new experiences that bring you happiness and fulfillment (e.g., travel, sports, learning a new language) as this can contribute to having an overall balanced, fulfilling life until you meet that special someone. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
My son recently moved back home into the basement – with his girlfriend. I want him to be on his own two feet, but my spouse won’t take a stand. What should I do? The answer: You were a walking zombie during the sleepless, colicky nights. With some creative disaster-proofing, you made it through the terrible twos. And you are still stunned that you survived the hormonal teen years without committing a felony offense. So, haven’t you paid your dues now that you have an adult child? If you are like most parents of a 20-something, the answer should be yes, but unfortunately these days, it may also be no. The 2021 Canadian census tell us that the percentage of young adults (ages 20 to 34) who continue to reside with their parents is significantly higher than 25 years ago and sits at around 35 per cent. This is no surprise when we think of the range of societal changes and financial pressures that we’ve become familiar with over the last few decades. There is nothing unequivocally wrong with your son residing with you, and it can be a helpful interim situation that actually helps your son, so long as the boundaries and parameters are clearly outlined. But, I’m assuming from your question that the issues are not as clear-cut and that there are compelling reasons you feel this is not a helpful arrangement. Bigger than even the issue of where and how long your son and his girlfriend reside with you is the difference of opinions between you and your spouse. This is the most important issue that you need to address. The two of you must take a united parental stand. Children, regardless of age, are extremely adept at identifying differences in opinions between parents, and they either intentionally or inadvertently exploit those differences in their favour. You need to start by having a candid discussion with your husband. Pick a time when the two of you are not stressed, are getting along well, have dedicated time to talk and are free of other distractions. Tell him there is something important you want to speak about. Acknowledge you have different opinions, but want to arrive at an outcome that satisfies both of you. Ask him to hear you out fully without commenting, and let him know you will offer him the same courtesy. Then present your position. Give specific reasons why you feel your son moving back home is not a good idea, and why you feel it doesn’t help him in the long-term. Whenever possible, use words and language that convey to him that you ultimately have the same goals in mind. (“I know we both want him to be independent and to be able to succeed on his own.”) Chances are, from a fundamental values perspective, you and your spouse are more likely to be on the same page than not. Then ask your husband for his perspective and thoughts. Listen to him, without interrupting. Try to arrive at a compromise that both of you are comfortable with. Perhaps you each give a little; for example, you could work toward a time-limited situation where your son stays with you, but stipulate there be a six- to 12-month plan where he works toward being on his own. Regardless of how long your son stays, it is integral to the plan that you set parameters that create a motivation for him to move out. It is reasonable and fair for you to expect him and his girlfriend to pay rent (perhaps it is a reduced rent, but ensure you are asking him to contribute in some way); contribute to household bills; be responsible for household chores; and respect certain household rules that you may have (no smoking and no loud parties, for example). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think it’s time for my 80-year-old mother to go into a nursing home in the next year or two. She is still healthy but not as strong as she once was. How can I broach this subject with her and prepare her? The answer: Speaking to a parent about transitioning to a nursing home can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. It may be emotional on a number of levels for both you and your mother. But having conversations about this well in advance is one of the best things you can do, to give everyone time to mentally prepare for the upcoming changes. Before broaching this subject with your mother, you may want to spend some time thinking about what you want to say, what options there are, what timelines might make sense, and who else that is close to you and your mother could possibly get involved in the discussion (e.g., your father if he is in the picture, siblings, an aunt or an uncle). Use your judgment on who best to involve. You want to remain sensitive to not having your mother feel she is being “ganged-up” on by having too many people present, but there can be value in considering having someone else present that is close to her, and who she feels also has her best interests at heart. Let your mother know in advance you’d like to set some uninterrupted time to speak with her about some concerns you have about her health and/or living situation. This can help to make her feel like she is not being taken off guard. Try to identify an optimal time (e.g., when she is feeling relatively well physically, in a comfortable environment such as her own home, during a time of day when her energy level is reasonably high). Keep in mind that you may need a number of repeat conversations over time to get to a workable solution. Start the first conversation by genuinely letting her know how you feel. Express that you love her, that this is a hard conversation for you to have, and that you are only speaking to her out of concern for her for health and well-being. Describe the concerns you have about her health. Try to be as specific and objective as possible. Let her know you can imagine how difficult it may be for her to start to think about moving to a supported living environment. Take the time to ask her how she feels and what is important to her. Appreciate that she may get upset, defensive or sad – this is all part of the process of making such a significant change in living status. Listen to her concerns. Remain gentle and empathetic in your tone. Try to understand her concerns and perspective, and to the extent possible and reasonable involve her in all important decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Helping You Better Understand Your Suicidal Thoughts
Some problems and experiences, especially those that have been around for a long time, can leave you feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. At these times, you may think that you have no options left. You may think about suicide as a way to escape intense emotional pain. There are many potential causes of suicidal thoughts and it can be helpful to better understand your suicidal thoughts in order to work toward managing and preventing them. People who consider suicide as an option often think that their problems are unbearable and can’t be fixed. They feel like nothing they have tried has or will change their situation. Their emotional pain can distort thinking so it becomes harder to trust, or to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with available love and support. Even if it seems that you can’t stand another minute, it is important to remember that feelings (e.g., grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, shame), especially at this intense level, don’t last forever. Sometimes thoughts of suicide can become very strong, especially if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol, particularly when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide. Some of the thoughts you may be having are:
Your feelings of pain are very real. However, it is important to know that there is hope. With the help of professionals and the support of family and friends, you can learn about what is causing your suffering and how you can change or manage it. Hurting or killing yourself are not your only options. Professionals can help you learn new skills for dealing with your pain. These might include: developing new skills to cope; seeing your problems in a new light; improving your ability to handle intense and painful emotions; improving your relationships; increasing your social supports; or medications. Causes of Suicidal Thoughts There are a number of potential causes of suicidal thoughts and you are not wrong or weak for feeling them. But the better you understand where your suicidal thoughts are coming from the better you are able to manage those feelings, Some of the potential causes of suicidal thoughts are:
Final Thoughts As you can see, there are many potential causes of suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are normal and even though they seem unbearable at the moment they aren’t going to last forever and there is support available. Understanding your suicidal thoughts not only makes it easier to manage these feelings but also makes it easier to ask for help. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk, call 9-1-1. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter hates that I’m dating. She’s 32; I’m 65. Her dad has never been in the picture, but now that I’ve found a serious relationship, she’s having real trouble accepting another person having my attention. What can I do? The answer: Kids – even when they’re adults – can have trouble accepting a new partner in a parent’s life. When a parent has gone through a divorce or been widowed, a child may have difficulty accepting a new relationship. A range of emotions can surface for a child even when the new relationship is not replacing the role of another parent, like in your situation. I’m assuming that this is one of the first significant relationships. Your daughter has gotten used to your undivided attention (and more importantly your undivided affection), and that she is struggling with accepting an actual (or perceived) shift in the relationship she has with you. This may feel difficult and hurtful to you, as it may come across as though she is unhappy to see you happy. I suspect this may be bringing up some mixed feelings for you. You likely feel guilty – which is normal. Have an open discussion with her: Let her know what you have observed and your feelings about the situation. Don’t assume that her feelings relate to her difficulty accepting that another person has your attention – she may be feeling confused, sad, or fear that the relationship between you and her will change. She may be feeling protective toward you and wanting to ensure you don’t get hurt. Check-in with her on her feelings and thoughts about the situation, as they may surprise you. Speak to her about how you feel about your partner, and the positives added to your life by being in this relationship so that she better understands your perspective. Reassure your daughter that your partner will not in any way take the place of your relationship with her. You may need to identify ways that you and she can continue to spend individual time together nurturing your relationship. Ask her for ideas on what she would like to see. I suspect that your daughter is simply going to need some time to adjust to a “new normal.” Maintain open lines of communication with her, but at the same time stay firm and do not allow her feelings to dissuade you or contribute to you feeling guilty about fulfilling an important part of your life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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